Why We’re All So Angry All The Time
In his book “The Surprising Purpose of Anger” Marshall Rosenberg tells us that anger stems from situations where our needs are not being met. When a need is unmet, we’re likely to feel frustrated and react aggressively (see: Blair, “Considering Anger from a Cognitive Neuroscience Perspective” . And, being human, we’re also likely to look for other people to blame for our needs going unmet.
That may be so. Indeed, Rosenberg’s perspective is a key element informing the Antimatter Principle.
But I have another theory. Or at least, a complementary theory. What if we’re so angry all the time – at a whole host of different things – because we have a need to feel angry? What if we find some real joy, delight – or at least catharsis – in feeling angry?
The theory: We’re all so angry all the time because we like it that way. We delight in the rush of adrenaline and flow of blood to the amygdala – and related parts of the brain – that accompanies our feelings of anger.
This might help explain some of the behaviours I see time and again in work and life. And note in myself, too.
“There’s something delicious about finding fault with something, Especially when our egos are involved (which is nearly always the case), we may protect our anger. We justify it and even feed it.”
~ Perma Chodron
We see lots of self-help articles about moderating or dealing with our anger. I suspect an underlying moral imperative along the lines of “anger is bad”. I don’t subscribe. Anger, like any other emotion, strikes me as neither bad nor good – it just IS. Of course, emotion-led responses borne of anger can lead to unfortunate outcomes – such as deterioration in our relationships with others. Which we probably would find useful to avoid, not least in the context of the workplace.
Some research suggests that when we attempt to tackle our emotional state head-on, it only makes things worse:
“…when experimental subjects are told of an unhappy event, but then instructed to try not to feel sad about it, they end up feeling worse than people who are informed of the event, but given no instructions about how to feel. In another study, when patients who were suffering from panic disorders listened to relaxation tapes, their hearts beat faster than patients who listened to audiobooks with no explicitly ‘relaxing’ content. Bereaved people who make the most effort to avoid feeling grief, research suggests, take the longest to recover from their loss.”
~ Oliver Burkman
In conclusion, may I suggest we recognise and acknowledge the feeling, embrace the delicious joy of anger, use it as fuel for our spirit, and don’t get caught up in moralistic judgments of ourself or the emotion. And remember, we don’t have to ACT on our anger.
Considering Anger from a Cognitive Neuroscience Perspective ~ R. J. R. Blair
The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift ~ Marshall Rosenberg
Anger And Domination Systems ~ Marshall Rosenberg
How To Get Rid Of Anger: 3 New Secrets From Neuroscience ~ Eric Barker
Buddhism’s Solutions for Anger ~ Barbara O’Brien
The Power of Humane Relationships ~ Think Different blog post