A Prayer For Effective Discussions
We all dread unproductive and ineffective conversations, discussions, and meetings. Stuck in a room, feeling one’s life force ebb away, frustrated beyond measure that we’re not accomplishing anything useful, and with a mountain of other more useful things we could be doing inexorably bearing down on us. We pray for it to end – and end swiftly – so we can get back to our lives.
But before feelings of angst and frustration set in, I often have high hopes. This prayer resonates:
“As we prepare to spend this time together, let us cherish and celebrate our shared humanness, our shared capacity for reason and compassion, our shared love for the people here to day, and for those who could not be here with us.
Grant us the wisdom, the patience and the skills to use our time here well, to find meaningful human connections, and to learn together, for the benefit of all.
In gratitude and in love, in reason and in compassion, let us work together for a better understanding, to know more, to find shared insights, and joy.”
When I was working with S.W.I.F.T. in Belgium some years ago, I came across Russ, a no-nonsense Australian. Amongst his many engaging attributes, I found his approach to meetings quite refreshing. If a meeting offered him nothing in the way of addressing his needs, he’d simply not attend. And if, during a meeting, it seemed unproductive or of little value, he’d get up and walk out. I often find myself wishing for the courage to do the same.
So, what do you do when you find yourself in a conversation, discussion, or meeting that’s fail to meet your needs? What actions do you take? Who do you blame?
As an organisational psychotherapist, I have a particular stance on group discussions. I choose to listen, to try to sense the group’s feelings, and to stand with the group in its discomfort and frustrations.
If, by some twist of fate, others expect me to facilitate their discussion, I state that I prefer to listen, rather than talk or direct. This can occasionally result in an impasse, for example where a group is unable or unwilling to “facilitate” its own discussions. This in itself can be a learning experience, albeit a disconcerting one.
Maybe the biggest source of folks’ frustration in e.g. unproductive discussions stems from our natural tendency to blame others for our own emotional responses, our responses to not getting our needs met. God knows, unsatisfactory discussions and meetings can be a huge trigger for negative emotional responses.
“One of the core milestones on the path of consciousness transformation is the moment when we can fully integrate the radical awareness that our emotional responses to the world and to things that happen to us are never caused by another person. This awareness stands in stark contrast to our habitual speech, which states that we feel what we feel because of what someone else did. Instead, we learn, if we apply ourselves deeply to this practice, that our emotions are only caused by the meaning we assign to what someone did, and that meaning is generated from within us, not by their actions.”
~ Miki Kashtan
Positive Emotional Responses
Discussions can serve to meet our needs, though. Maybe that’s why we find unsatisfactory meetings so frustrating. As social animals, our discussions and meetings, if done well, can provide us with deeper and more meaningful personal connections, better understanding, useful new knowledge, shared insights, and joy.
Amen to that.
Blame, Responsibility And Care ~ Miki Kashtan